So I was standing in front of the mirror in my bathroom, on my 32nd birthday, getting ready to go get a pedicure and some food with my husband and I literally gasped….

Before I tell you why— this feels really important to speak into….

Body Sovereignty: I use this word a lot. I would say body sovereignty is being in sacred relationship with your body temple- intimately knowing her emotionally, spiritually, AND physically.  An embodied sense of liberation and openness to SHE who is here, in the physical, to carry out your spiritual purpose. 

I talk so much about the body- expressing through her- allowing her to be a vehicle for alchemy and processing and expansion. Work with my clients always comes back to the body- her sensations, her messages, her guidance and it is wildly liberating and immensely cathartic to be in commune with our own body temple.

And something that has been plaguing me the last few years- is a call to remove my breast implants. I got them almost 12 years ago now- and it was at a time where I had just had two babies, I had lost all of this weight and my body just did not feel like fully ME. It was a personal choice and I am proud that I listened to myself and followed my gut, even though it no longer really aligns with the choices I am making for myself. 

So back to the birthday surprise- I am standing in front of the mirror and my right boob is about 3 cup sizes smaller than the left and it is sagging- I said to my husband “omg Keith do you see this- MY BOOB deflated”. Okay, you can laugh. I was laughing and also feeling shocked at the shame time. 

It was clear as day. My implant had ruptured. This is a thing that can happen, sometimes. And thank goddess, they were saline and not silicone (although I still do not feel good about foreign things leaking in my body).

Anyway, here’s the story—- I had been wanting to remove them for a while. It felt like the next step in my healing journey- no more foreign objects taking up space in my Temple. I have been doing so much work around my heart chakra and opening and grieving and expanding my capacity to allow in and receive—- and the breasts are an extension of our heart- so naturally this seemed an obvious thing for my body to be suggesting that I do.

I talked about it, did a little research on explants, talked about it some more- played around with the idea- mentioned it to my husband—- and then NOTHING. I tabled it. (sound familiar when making a big decision?? You're not alone love- I am great at making intuitive decisions- apparently here I took a slightly different route)

This has been on and off for a good 1.5-2 years. So the universe came In clutch with the support- & spirit popped by boob.  That is what I am going with- because I had 0 idea how this occurred and I trust that the universe has my back and so here we are.

First I died laughing, because this is who I am—- then I felt slightly anxious- wondering if my body was being poisoned. So I did what I know to do- I asked my friend who’s a naturopathic doctor- I posted in a BII group and I got some referrals for the best doctors in scottsdale and I called them. I told them my story- and they assured me I would be okay but should handle it sooner than later. 

So I have the consults on the books- some in CA and some here in AZ. We are moving forward in the direction of #missionexplanttheboobies

 ((Photo is the day it first happened. It  is more "empty" at this point and you can see the capsule more--sharing so that if yours are starting to leak maybe you have some insight on the subtly and then how drastic it can change and how quickly))

Most importantly , I really love my body. I love me. I don’t want foreign shit in my body. That is my TRUTH.

And yet, it is dynamic. I can know that I will love my new body. I can also grieve the body I’ve been used to for the last decade plus. 

I laughed because my right boob looks a little insane with a protruding capsule. 

And I cried thinking about being cut open. The money. The time laid up. The drains they would put in me- that I hear hurt like a mother effer. And a little bit at the thought of becoming acclimated to a new “look”. 

And I felt  excitement now that I had to get them out- and maybe that the inflammation in my body would go down and I will be blessed with more energy.  Certainly this is the exciting (yet scary af) next phase of healing my physical body (and my emotional body on an even deeper level)

See the human experience is like that, and I am always reminded over and again- multiple narratives. Duality. It’s entirely possible to oscillate between a myriad of emotions in any given situation. I let myself be sad. I let myself giggle at the “misfortunate” situation. And I exhaled and softened into the possibility of newness.

And my husband said to me “I dont know how to hold space for you, because one minute I think you’re sad and the next minute you are making a joke”.  Yes. And that’s my truth in the moment. 

Oh, and I was able to share this learning opportunity with my kiddos- because we are a pretty naked- open- they come in the shower with me still, kind of fam- and my daughter had a million questions about why I would do it. Did my mom try to tell me no? Does it hurt? What am I going to do? Will I die? And so on and so forth. Whewww do I learn about healing more and more everyday from them. 

I answered every single one of her questions to the best of my inner knowingness—- and never once did I shame myself for my original choice or my choices now- I refuse to show her that. 

So a few things for now friends:

1. Many people will not know how to sit and hold space without trying to understand and fix the other person. If you haven’t met yourself in the depths and accepted your own emotions as safe and okay— then when another is in theirs you certainly won’t know how to hold them. That is okay. But it some unpopular TRUTH. Don’t judge others for their inability to do this— but please learn to hold yourself. Your expression is safe and welcome.               
2. Please heal. For yourself. Your kids. Your partner. For humanity. Do your best to meet yourself intimately and introspectively so that you can be free, thus liberating others into their own well of freedom and safety.

3. You are safe to know one thing and feel something slightly contradictory. Dont resist it. Let it move through you- it will likely free up a deeper understanding of your knowing- one that can now live in your body- your frequency- not just your mind.

So there’s that for now my loves. I am walking around with one full breast and one “deflated tired” as the plastic surgeons nurse calls it apparently. I am rocking it proudly- I am not covering up.  I hope this conversation will open up the doors for whatever healing your physical body is calling for. It is such an important part of the WHOLE embodiment of your truth. 

Lastly--Do I have Breast implant illness? I don't know. Have I had some symptoms over the years? Yes. Will I explore this more? Yes. Maybe I will share more as I learn for those contemplating explant or changing their current situation. 

My heart is really happy that we are getting to part ways with this old version of us. So stay tuned! 

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them below and I’ll reply as I can. If you feel led, you're welcome to share in hopes to help others. I love you. Life Loves you. Let’s rise.

You can find my work here www.instagram.com/soulnakedceo

You can find more of my personal journey expanding here-  www.instagram.com/life_with_the_calls 

XX

Erin Nicole